Reflections ~~ When weeks seem like months and months seem like years

As I reflect on the past two weeks it seems like months ago - 

maybe even years ago! 

When was it that I sat with Dick and Faye at the VA hospital talking to the doctors about his cancer on his thumb?  Merkel Cell --rarest-- fastest growing cancer know.  Not good news.  Full body scan showed no other growths so surgery was the option.  

Was that last year?  

It seems like it but it was April- late April - less than 6 months ago.  

The growth was surgically removed about 4 weeks later.  (who knows why the long wait) but Yeah we got it!!   

June- two months later, a check up- A full body scan- found another cancerous growth.  It had been 2 months since the last body scan when nothing was found-now this growth under his arm was the size of a softball. Options were given to Dick, Chemo or Radiation- 

Dick chose Radiation. 

Trips to Phx to the Radiation facility were long and hard, but he took the radiation well.  The growth shrank and eventually felt like a little grape.  The doctor ensured us it was dead- shriveled up.  "Whewwwww- licked that one!", Dick said! 

 "But I feel a little pain under my rib cage......."  

2 months later another body scan.  more growths.... neck, back, rib cage, groin, mouth.  This time there was no choice.  The doctors said, "Chemo was the only option if he was to survive past the end of the year...."  What??? Confusion set in. I will never forget the shocked look on Dicks face when the doctor told him.  He had no idea.  He looked at me, then looked at the Doctor and said.... "I have a grandson coming home from a mission in December- I have got to see him!"   I was glad that Dick was a little hard of hearing when the doctors quietly said.... "oh, that is a long time from now"  It broke my heart.  As I listened to Dick ask questions and listened to the doctor answering my heart sank lower and lower.  From the conversation I knew Dick still wasn't clear in thought. With a tear in my eye and a lump in my throat- trying to sound upbeat and positive - I had to restate the inevitable to Dick so he would understand.  Even then, he was sitting on the table laughing and cracking jokes with the Doctor....  

His response was.... "Well, then Chemo it is!"  

We were happy at his will to fight, we just hoped his body would follow his mind.

We had hoped to start the chemo right away,  

But there were a few other things that had to be "fixed" first

Cataract surgery one week --

replacement of the Pacemaker battery the next week--- 

then finally we could battle the Cancer.  

Wednesday - week to the day after the battery replacement, he took his first Chemo treatment. I've never seen anyone so happy to "breeze" through the treatment.  (We all knew the chemo effects wouldn't start for a couple of days up to a week.)  But he was happy so we were happy.  He went to bed knowing he would get up the next day to take his second treatment..... he was going to beat this thing and see his grandson!  

but it was not meant to be.

At 1:30 Thurs am he sat up in his bed popping a few of his nitro pill for his heart.  The pills weren't working so he called out to Faye.  She was sleeping but Kim heard his calls.  She went to his aid when he said, "I think you'd better call an ambulance".  He arrived in Urgent Care at Arizona Regional Medical Center shortly thereafter.  They gave him his urgent care and we were all called to come to the Center.  He was rushed to take a echo cardiogram and while on the table, 

he stopped breathing.  

What happened next is a blur..... 

it seems like months and months passed 

with each hour of each day.  

He was sedated, intubated and sent immediately to ICU.  

Priesthood blessing

Many visitors

Long hours and conversations behind closed doors

Phone calls

Then Choices....

Heart catheterization or not, 

resuscitation or not? 

chemotherapy or not, 

Decisions.....What should WE do?  

 I kept thinking....He is sedated--not gone. do we have to make these decisions for him? Why can't HE tell us what he wants. Doctor after doctor stopped by.  Each one telling us he was too weak for the surgery. He might not make it through.  But.... if he did, and they could find a blockage, it might extend his life for 2 or 3 more years.  

Faye wouldn't give up.  She was strong.  

She held her convictions even when all her children urged her to change her mind... 

she decided he must have the surgery!  

She felt there was hope.

Finally they weaned him from the respirator to see if he would awake to make the decision himself.  

He slowly came to, then he finally woke up. 

He was alert, and had his wits about him, 

he was sitting up in bed, and talking.

He kept saying, why did all this happen at once?

~

Now we must ask him what he wants.  The doctor tried but was Indian and Dick couldn't understand what he was saying.  so who is going to translate and tell Dick his options?  Everyone stepped back and I was left at the foot of his bed.....  Bobbi...  I might be a strong willed person, I might seem like I am calm but I was shaking and scared.  I wasn't sure I could say those words 

to the man who had been my father for the past 35 years.  

Could I tell him the "real" options.  

Surgery- it might not work, 

Surgery- he might not survive, 

Surgery- if it works he might have extra time but then he has to battle chemo.  

No surgery- he is set to have another heart attack at any moment.

Most felt it was a lose-lose situation.  

As I looked into those sweet eyes, 

I could see them focused on me.... 

intentally....

he listened hard and heard every word.  

He looked around the room, and sweetly and softly said 

"Well, I think I want the surgery, what do you all think"

breath.........

Each one of us surprised at his response.

One by one all around the room, we all supported his decision.

........All this time while he was sedated...what were we thinking?  We were making a decisions about his life that would have been wrong. 

He WANTED the surgery.  

He WANTED to survive.  

He wasn't giving up the FIGHT!

I think it was Saturday AM- or maybe it was Sunday??  ...he had the surgery.

He went through it with flying colors...... 

When he awoke, he said, OK, I am ready to go hunting now!!

But the surgery was unsuccessful   The blockage was found,  but it was calcified as hard as a rock and there was no getting past it.  He was in the same shape physically after the surgery as he was before the surgery.

Our hearts were broken. 

His treatment was completed at Arizona Reg. Medical Center 

so now they had to release him... but to where?

Faye wanted to take him home.  

more discussion, more conversations

Nursing home, his own bed, hospice care.......

With reluctance Faye agreed- Hospice of Arizona. 

(which was a beautiful loving place)

The transport went smoothly but it was difficult for Dick.  Slowly, as the hours passed, he went from sitting in a chair, laughing and chatting, to laying in bed, to asking for pain medication.  

"Bobbi, I hope I have been a good father in law to you."-with tears in my eyes, I told him he wasn't my father in law, he was the father I never had.  

"Bobbi, I don't think I'm gonna make it to see Koltn, tell him I love him and I'm sorry"  

"Bobbi, I  miss my mom. I want to give her a hug"

Each hour more pain setting in.  Faye was at his side day in and day out.  Trying to get him to eat. to drink, to wake up, to talk to her....

then slowly it worsened.

The all over pain set in.  

The dying kind of pain.... 

The pain that wont' go away.....

the pain that sucks the life out of you.....

the pain that makes you give up......

"whispers....let me go, release me, I can't do it anymore."

the next moments were awful. I shudder as I think of them.

We could not stand to see this sweet gentle loving man suffer.  With each waking breath he took he cringed in pain.  

Why does anyone have to suffer like that? 

Finally morphine.  

Sweet morphine.  

On Thursday, one week from his first Chemo treatment, 

our Hero, husband, Father, Grandfather, 

sweetest man I've ever known 

joined his first born little girl Linda Faye in Heaven.  

I am sure she ran to him with open arms calling 

Daddy, Daddy....... 

I missed you!

Now he's in your arms Linda- its your turn to have him.

**********

Viewing Meldrum Mortuary

 Brent made the casket.  On top is carved two eld rutting in the forest.  The handles were made from Elk horns, and they were attached to the casket with hollowed out bullet.  

He was laid to rest in a sleeping bag.

 John didn't leave his mothers side during the funeral. 

 Lots of hugs, 

sharing memories and tears

 holding hands and consoling

 Funeral - Kisha and Kelsey helping me decorate

Gathering for Family Prayer

3 hour drive to the Burial in Pomerene AZ

 A well deserved US Flag for our WWII Veteran's Wife

He is buried next to his little baby girl Linda Faye

As the sunsets on a wonderful man, 

God also blessed us with a beautiful sunset in the sky